


Broken Pavements

by Paint_It_Yellow



Series: Life Goes On (Post GX Canon) [9]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Nonbinary Character, Other, a lot of yubel introspection, kinda sorta not really - Freeform, there are some walls of text in here be warned, they/them pronouns for yubel, this was supposed to be short but i got too invested now i have a sore back, uhhhhhh yubel's sad, whatever it is if i say so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:06:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25597762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paint_It_Yellow/pseuds/Paint_It_Yellow
Summary: Yubel can't fathom that Judai could possibly love them again after what they did completely disrupted his second chance at life. The guilt over the Dark World lingers even now, long after; it gnaws. And it hurts. A lot.
Relationships: Yubel/Yuuki Juudai | Jaden Yuki
Series: Life Goes On (Post GX Canon) [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1200361
Comments: 5
Kudos: 14





	Broken Pavements

It hurt. It hurt all over in every possible way. It hurt mentally and, even though they were sure it was impossible, they were sure it hurt physically. Sometimes they’d wake up from the nothingness that catatonic state that wasn’t quite sleep and find themself with a headache, or they’d move their wings that were a painful reminder of what once was and find themself with a familiar ache, reminiscent of the pain they felt long ago when they were just new. 

“I love you.” The words once spoken felt hollow; fake. Had they just made them up.

Sometimes, Yubel would watch him and find their mind drifting to all of the Judais that they knew. The first, the second, the third, the fourth, the fifth, the sixth. 

The first that they’d spent their young life with, essentially grown up with despite being only a palace servant’s child born when the king was searching for a playmate for his rambunctious son. Dumb luck they’d said once as they found themself holding back tears, sitting curled in on themself on the rocks by the sea next to the castle as some of the noble kids bullied them out of the ball Judai had insisted they get to go to (the king allowed it, if only for the fact that his son was needlessly pushy and he himself was a total pushover when it came to him). Not luck, the first Judai had said. Fate. They were always meant to be together. They were young, then. Definitely not anything over ten. It sounded stupid at the time, and Yubel told him so. They only got laughed at and Judai continued to sit with them on the cold rocks, talking and laughing with them, looking out at the sea as the moon drew ever higher into the sky and the stars reflected in its surface until he fell asleep and Yubel had to sneak him back to his room without waking him up or alerting the guests. Judai now probably didn’t remember it. 

He said he remembered his past but they didn’t honestly know how truthful he was being. Maybe it was partial remembrance. But how partial? Only from this life, or also from his other? Doubting him, even just the insinuation that he’d been lying to them from the beginning hurt. It didn’t hurt because of him though. Not because he lied. It was guilt. Guilt wracked their entire body but it especially panged at their heart. It tugged each and every way until it was taut on all sides and ready to tear apart. They couldn’t ask him. They couldn’t do that to him- they couldn’t disturb that fine line that was keeping all their guilt contained. 

It was all their fault, after all. Everything was. They let themself die before the first Judai, then they harmed people he loved in his third life, then again in his fourth and were the reason he hurt people in his fifth. Now they were at the sixth. How many can say they get six chances? How many people can say that they failed at doing their job- at protecting their loved one- not one but five times? They couldn’t imagine what they’d do if they failed this time. Judai told them it wasn’t their fault and they said they believed him but it was their weakness and their strength both that allowed them to get corrupted. 

They were single minded enough to only ever think of one thing, as noble as some may say said goal was, and that led to their downfall. Protection at any cost wasn’t protection at some point. They failed to realise the era had changed. The universe had changed. They should have paid more attention to the surroundings. There were so many things they should have done, things that would have stopped their corruption. Stopped so much pain.

When the second Judai had told them he loved them some time after their surgery, they thought their brain was going to melt. 

“I love you much more,” they said once. 

“I don’t think that’s possible.” It was a naive thing of him to say, Yubel had thought. 

“You’re everything to me,” they continued, because it was true, “what is a sword if there is no one to use it? You’re my purpose to live, to not become old and dull. You give life that shimmer. You’ll lead this nation to a new era of greatness.”

“And if I don’t?” 

“Then I’ll still fight by your side ‘til my arms function no more. ‘Til I have no limbs left to use. Then I’ll keep fighting. And I’ll watch over you from the stars until the day I can see you again, and in another life you’ll have another chance and you’ll be just as great then.”

They were right, of course. All of it. That final fight was brutal, even if they don’t remember a lot of it. Sometimes, they’ll wake up from their not-quite-sleep in a panic, holding back a scream at things that hurt but suddenly didn’t, though they were so sure they did. They bit back the screams each time, without fail. Waking Judai was not on their list of priorities. Not now that he’s finally getting proper sleep and his life on track. Judai used to do something similar. Those were back when Yubel didn’t fall into the not-quite-sleep if only for the fact that they’d never felt comfortable enough to. It was always just pain or constant vigilance since being on this Earth. It was different. Hard to get used to, but refreshing on the occasion that their mind was quiet. 

The therapist that Judai started going to at the behest of his friends (it took a lot of nagging, eventually Yubel even started at it, even if they didn’t quite know what a therapist was. They trusted Judai’s friends knew best) said he did it because of something called PTSD. After a while, they learned a bit about it. It was… different. They recalled the knights, and how some would be discharged for being cowards. Perhaps they weren’t so cowardly after all. A shiver ran down their spine as they thought of the panic and aches they would wake with themselves. They weren’t cowards, they went bravely into a battle with no regards to themselves. Yubel though? They weren’t so sure if the same could be said for them. 

Yubel had thought about it. About love. A lot. Too much, evidently. They came to the conclusion that they didn’t deserve love after all. They’d hurt too many people. They especially didn’t deserve Judai’s love. He was likely just pretending, after all. It was what they wanted to hear when they were at their lowest, but now there was no way for him to escape the fate that faced him. Stuck forever to someone who brought him to his lowest, who kidnapped and killed those he loved and cared for. Hell, they didn’t even have the right to love Judai. But they couldn’t help it. 

Judai was just so, so… kind. Utterly and completely kind. It was who he was, at his core. Maybe ‘kind’ was simplifying it. He just had so much compassion for others. It hurt. It drew people in and hurt them in the process and he was none the wiser. Because he’s dense. So kind and so dense and so willing to please. Yubel loved him so much, even so. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Love… was it meant to hurt? 

Did Judai ever think about Yubel and hurt? Think about them in a way that wasn’t the Dark World and hurt? Maybe it wasn’t supposed to hurt, yet no love they’d ever felt hadn’t hurt. It hurt when their father ran out on them and their mother, it hurt when their mother spent more time at the palace than with them (even if they understood why), it hurt when they watched the first laugh with all those other noble children from across the hall where they couldn’t be seen, it hurt when they had their surgery, when the second finally said the coveted words, the many times they went into battle, when their mother died, all of those times they saved the second from certain death until it led to their own, which hurt. It hurt when they saw the third as a child, so similar to the first, it hurt as they felt the Light slowly seep into their veins to amplify their hurt as the third tried to make a life at this second chance, it hurt when the third- a child who knew no better- sent them away and hurt them. It hurt to come back to find a fourth who had completely forgotten everything about them, it hurt to see that he had who seemed at the time to be a replacement. A cheap one, nothing like them and yet their love who they’d only ever seen socialise politely yet artificially with nobles or with people trying to beat him at a card game which they were sure would harm him with their clouded vision, was playing happily with his peers, without them. Like they never existed. And oh, it hurt. They could feel their limbs being torn off and their heart and head being chipped away and it drove them crazy, quite literally. It hurt when the heart that had already been chipped away was combined with Judai’s and their souls became one. It hurt that the sixth was dealing with the aftermath of their mistakes. It hurt that, even now, they weren’t healed and couldn’t do anything for their love. It hurt. It hurt. It hurt. 

It hurt.

They were broken and it hurt. It was like someone took a plate and threw it at a wall, then grabbed a hammer and continued smashing even though they were essentially ash until even the floor was dented. 

“Are you okay?” Judai asked, snapping them out of their long bout of silence and forcing them to realise that they’d reached their hotel room. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” they replied with their own question as innocently as possible. 

Judai himself seemed uncharacteristically sombre about the questioning which set them on edge. Was he finally going to say it? Say that now he’d figured out how to get rid of them and they were no longer needed? Or that he hated them? Or at least that he didn’t recover any memories at all and it’d all been a lie?

“I’ve actually been wanting to say something for a while,” he admitted. Yubel willed their expression to stay as it had. “You just. Don’t seem happy.”

“I don’t see why I wouldn’t be happy, I’ve got you. That’s all I need.” 

Judai frowned. Not the response he was looking for, clearly. Yubel just hoped he’d drop it. 

“Is it because of Johan?” 

Now  _ that  _ wasn’t a response they’d been expecting either. 

“What? No, what makes you think that?” 

“Well, just that we made a bit of a detour since he was nearby for a match and all…” 

“Are you forgetting that I’m the one that was pushing you to make the detour?” Yubel couldn’t help but roll their eyes at the typical oversight. 

“Ah, oh yeah… I did think that was a bit odd actually. I thought you wouldn’t push too hard. I knew you wouldn’t try to stop me but you were pretty adamant. Why was that?” 

“I don’t want to make the same mistakes twice,” they found themself saying, but it came out a lot quieter than they meant it to. 

Judai turned to them and seemed to strain himself trying to hear better, as if it were his ears that were the problem. “What?” 

“You need to keep in better contact with your friends, it was a rare opportunity to see one of them in person, is all,” they amended. 

“That’s not what you said at all,” Judai accused with a frown, pointing a finger at them. 

If they weren’t just aimlessly floating there, they likely would have taken a step back. Solidify their stance. Or just ran right out the door so they wouldn’t have to be in this situation at all. 

“What do you mean by mistakes?” Judai asked, voice confused but ultimately much softer than its previous tone. 

“If you heard me, why ask me to repeat?” They muttered, crossing their arms and involuntarily pouting, looking off to the side like they were back to being Judai’s age again.

“Because it didn’t make sense. What mistakes are you talking about?” 

What mistakes, indeed. There were just so many of them to choose from. Yubel’s cavalcade of never-ending mistakes. It almost sounded like a ride at some amusement park. Pretty bad one though. 

“I want to make sure you have proper friends this time around. You probably don’t remember but back when I first knew you, you didn’t have any friends. You were surrounded by nobles who wanted to use you to get closer to your parents. I think you knew, so you became friends with me instead for whatever reason and your parents let you since it was a good way to get a spy into a social circle of children with loose lips. Really, you were already on it once I was out of the picture but, you know, I guess I’m cursed to be a friend repellant.” They stopped talking with a sad smile that seemed as though it’d been smiled too often.

“No, I do. You were always hanging around the kitchens because that’s where your mother worked, right? I first ran into you while I was trying to steal extra food from the pantry. Then my father- the king one, that is- got mad I kept going down until he found out I’d actually made a friend. Yeah, wasn’t happy it wasn’t a noble but it kept me occupied, didn’t it?” His eyes looked straight into their’s as he spoke and they found himself speechless, something forming in their throat that they just couldn’t swallow down no matter how much they tried, his voice was full of nostalgia for the era long gone. 

“Y-you…” they knew they sounded dumbfounded and imagined that they looked so, so stupid. “You remember?” It was quiet and hoarse but Judai heard it, evidently, as he tilted his head to the side slightly on habit. 

“What are you talking about? Our first meeting? Why would I forget such an important moment?” 

Yubel fell silent and they glanced past Judai. “You know,” they whispered, “I’m so stupid.” 

“Why?” Judai prompted further, tone soft. 

“I thought you forgot. Or never remembered in the first place.” They found themself slowly falling from their position in the air. 

Judai looked at them for a moment with a rather hard to read expression. He was… surprised? Sad? They couldn’t get themself together long enough to figure it out properly.

“It’s been so long; you’ve been gone for so long. I missed you so much and it hurts and I love you but I’m broken. I’m so, so broken, Judai. The fact that I can even be here with you is more than I deserve, I’m so sorry,” they found themself rambling as tears they couldn’t feel ran down their cheeks and forehead and Judai became a brown blur in their eyes even if he was forever clear in their mind. “I’m sorry,” they choked out again after managing to swallow another lump, though it came back as soon as it did. 

That seemed to be when Judai snapped to attention, no longer stunned and stuck to the bed he’d plopped himself down on previously. 

“I’m sorry,” they repeated again before getting drawn into a tight embrace by Judai, pulling them forward. They hadn’t even noticed he’d turned them solid. His arms were warm and strange around their neck and yet so familiar. Judai didn’t typically turn any of the spirits solid unless he had to, it was draining after all, so this was maybe the first time he’d hugged them just to hug them. 

“You don’t need to be sorry,” he murmured into their shoulder, “You have nothing to be sorry about.” 

"But…” 

“And you’re not broken.”

“What am I if not broken? I’m not whole,” they couldn’t help but ask. They couldn’t think back to a time when they’d consider themself whole. 

“Maybe a bit chipped or battered. Maybe a bit bruised or cracked. But you’re not broken. You’re still here. With me.” Judai withdrew his embrace and just as Yubel started to miss the contact it was replaced with a warm hand on their cheek which they automatically leaned into while Judai’s other hand reached up to wipe away the tears from their three eyes. 

“You know, my therapist told me about something,” Judai said softly. His own throat sounded hoarse too, like he wanted to cry but he was trying to hold it together. He finished wiping the tears as best he could, instead reaching out for their clawed hands, grasping them lightly yet firmly and guiding them to sit on a space on the bed next to him.

Yubel hummed, opening their eyes a bit more to properly look at him as he talked. 

“She mentioned an art called kintsugi,” he continued as steadily as he could. “It’s a technique where you fill in cracks in pottery with a lacquer dusted with something like gold or platinum. She said recovery’s sort of like kintsugi.” 

For once, Yubel was the one looking blankly at Judai, completely lost. That, at least, got a laugh and slight smile out of Judai. It wasn’t fully joyful or sad, it was just what it was. Even so, it still brightened Yubel’s mood ever so slightly, as Judai’s smile tended to do. 

“I was like that at first. You’re not broken, but you can’t be how you used to be either. Whatever the event was changed you. You can’t deny that. But you can grow and become stronger from it. You can become something different; beautiful in a different way. You know?” 

Slowly, Yubel’s brain started to function again and they let themself nod mutely. 

“Please don’t ever think you’re broken,” Judai continued. “You’re just changing and it’s so, so beautiful.”

They caught the implication and couldn’t stop the blush. Judai smiled at them and for a moment, they were reminded of that night with the second down by the sea, each of them professing their love to one another. 

“I love you so much,” they ended up blurting out, ready to cry again and they were sure they sounded it. They might think it unsightly if they were thinking straight at all. 

“I think I might love you more, and also that we’ve had this conversation before.” 

“Long ago,” Yubel admitted fondly. 

“We can have it again.”

“Are you sure?”

“As sure as I am that I would rather be doing nothing but this,” Judai replied, briefly confusing them before he leaned in and gave them a kiss. 

“To help fill in the cracks,” he grinned. 

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't expecting to broach 1000 words with this since it was just an in-the-moment kind of project but the sore back was worth it, I'm kind of proud of how it turned out. Might be because it's late and I wrote this half as projection (cause lockdown makes ya feel shit sometimes, ya know?) but i actually teared up like. twice while writing this which has never happened. wild times huh. 
> 
> Inspired originally by the song [The Engine Driver](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXNedA7uDSc) by The Decemberists. Title inspired by [future-circuit!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qTbLoyQ23g&list=PLxJYiV4MLYB6SVFwDZZ04Jt-IMpLYY9qz&index=5&t=0s>Streets%20of%20Edinburgh</a>%20by%20The%20Proclaimers.%0A%0AHope%20you%20enjoyed!%20%0A%0AFind%20me%20on%20Tumblr%20at%20<a%20href=)


End file.
